Torchwood: The Wizard's Grapefruit
by gshsgvdjsgjdhssbddbhs
Summary: Sarah Jane Smith is called to investigate strange disturbances in the most disturbing place of all The Big Brother House. Torchwood story, set after my first Torchwood fic 'A New Beginning'. Not essential to the story.
1. Day 1

**I do not own any of these people...though I wish I did cos it would be well cool. I do not own the concept of the house either, or the show which it features in. **

Day 1

She opened the door.

She was quite amazed at how small the house actually was, compared to previous years, and how weird it was. The entire house seemed to be inside out. She could see a set of tables outside in the garden and even a chandelier, and inside the carpet felt and looked like grass. She looked about and all she could take notice of at the minute was the amount of mirrors and cameras about the place. _They_ didn't want to miss A THING.

The door opened behind her and in walked a cute guy. He looked like one of the rock stars you get in concerts. And acted like one as well.

"Alright, my name is Pete." The rock star look alike said and then suddenly shouted out loud a swear word at random.

"My name is Bonnie." The girl said but she pronounced it like Bonn-eh.

"Bonna, nice to meet you." Pete said and shouted out the same swear word again.

"No BonnIE. Are you alright?" Bonnie asked, concerned a bit at his level of swearing.

The door opened again and in what walked a young lad, who Bonnie thought was gorgeous. He had a stud right above his right eyebrow and his was very short.

"My name is George." George said and the introductions started again. George seemed very offended when Pete shouted out his swear word.

The number of people in the house was suddenly rising. Bonnie introduced herself to the strangest fellow she ever met, who entered after George. His name was Shahbaz, and he was a Scottish Muslim, but also gay. He seemed very exciting about being in the house, and he was already getting on some people's nerves.

Next Bonnie met Lea, a tall woman with the biggest breasts she had ever seen. At first, Bonnie thought she would not like her, but she would realise otherwise in weeks to come that her best friend in the house would be Lea.

The prettiest girl Bonnie had seen in a long time, and to enter the house, was next in. Her name was Imogen and she was from a small town called Llanelli in South Wales.

Bonnie met another sexy guy next, by the name of Mikey, a Scouser, but she got the feeling she would not get along with him. Imogen was talking to Mikey in one part of the room with George, while Lea and Bonnie started to talk to each other, the beginnings of their friendships. Shahbaz was screaming the corner and Pete was shouting his swear word about.

"Is there something wrong with him?" Bonnie asked Lea.

"I think he has Tourettes love. Makes you shout random, and usually swear words out loud." Lea replied.

A woman even taller than Lea entered the house next. She was a very dark woman and she went by the name of Dawn. She didn't seem to want to mingle with most of the group. Bonnie put it down to nerves.

The house was slowly filling up. A Welsh lifeguard by the name of Glyn entered the house, and Bonnie had trouble understanding him to begin with, but so far the pair of them were the youngest in the house. A dance teacher called Grace entered next, and seemed to have a snobbish attitude towards some people. A very tall man wearing a cowboy hat entered next, and Bonnie could see Shahbaz almost bursting with delight at the thought of having him all to himself. Richard, the cowboy, was Canadian and also gay. Bonnie introduced herself then to Lisa, a woman from Manchester but was also Chinese, but had the strongest Manchester accent she had ever heard. She was very short for someone with a loud mouth.

She met Sezer next, and instantly did not like him. He was arrogant and too full of confidence and ignored many members of the group after saying his name and started to instantly mingle with Imogen and Grace. Bonnie knew his type.

Next, and hopefully the last Bonnie thought, was Nikki. She was slightly taller than Lisa, but Bonnie thought she would not like Nikki as she was wearing a playboy outfit into the house. She would regret wearing it later on in the week.

The door opened one last time, and Sarah entered the house. She was a part-time journalist for a local paper in London.

"This is Big Brother. The door is now closed and will remain locked until the first eviction next Friday." A voice loomed over the house. Everyone started cheering. The voice also said the doors were now open to the Garden and the Bedroom.

"This is Big Brother." The voice started again, "Would Sarah came to the diary room."

Sarah got up nervously and walked towards the Diary room and pressed the large button beside it. Bonnie noticed how nervous she looked, as if she didn't want to be here, but she put it down to nerves. Sarah entered the Diary Room and closed the door.

"Hello Big Brother." Sarah said and admired the room. It reminded her slightly of an Insane Asylum as the room was padded, but it was black and she loved the Diary Room chair. It was bright gold and she instantly thought that Richard would love this chair as it seemed so camp.

"Hello Sarah. We have a message for you." Big Brother replied. Sarah was intrigued. A message this early.

A new voice took over the speakers.

"Sarah, it's Jack." An American voice said.

"Would you care to explain to me NOW what I am doing here?" Sarah Jane Smith replied.

"Sit down and enjoy." Captain Jack replied, and Sarah settled down to listen to her mission with Torchwood.


	2. Day 1: The Diary Room

**I do not own Big Brother, or the idea of Torchwood. I based the house on this year's UK house by the way and it's contestants though Torchwood is set in 2007. It's easier and people who watch the show will notice I have taken the real situations that developed in the house.**

Day 1 (continued)

"You march me in here without a word of warning! I literally walk through the door and you tell me I'm off to London to go in the Big Brother house!" Sarah Jane Smith ranted in the Diary Room.

"We thought you were a bit bored as you haven't had much to do with Torchwood yet and we thought you would be interested." Captain Jack replied through the speaker.

"We?" Sarah Jane Smith replied. She thought it was weird talking to a mirror.

"Okay, just me. Well you couldn't exactly send some of us in. We need Doctor Sato for medical reasons, and Gwen would just freak all the other housemates out!" Captain Jack replied and Sarah Jane Smith laughed. She would enjoy being in the house a bit more knowing that she can talk to Captain Jack whenever. She had never watched any previous versions of Big Brother, as she thought the show was cruel and the bottom of the entertainment barrel, but that may all change now that she was a housemate, and she still wanted to know why.

"You still haven't explained to me why I am really here." Sarah Jane Smith asked.

"Remember the energy source we found?" Captain Jack asked. Of course Sarah Jane Smith remembered. It was the first exciting thing that happened. She had been in Torchwood for about two weeks and she hadn't done much except read some files and get to know the team. She remembered the excitement she got when Adrian said they found some weird findings in London. They did a scan over the UK, and found a slight disturbance in the London area, and managed to pinpoint it to Elstree Studios. At the time, Sarah Jane Smith thought nothing of the location, but now she realises that the Big Brother house is the Elstree Studios.

"Is that why I am here?" Sarah Jane Smith asked.

"Yes. We know there is something up in this place but we do not know what. There's a group of us in the studios taking shifts so somebody will be up if you need to talk. We needed someone in the house as well to monitor any situations at all." Captain Jack replied.

Sarah Jane Smith laughed again. There was always a situation in the Big Brother house. That's how the show was designed.

"So you just want me to report any strange activities?" Sarah Jane Smith replied.

"Yeah, more or less, until we find out what the disturbance was." Captain Jack said.

"How did you get the show to agree to this?" Sarah Jane Smith replied.

"We said we'd shut down the entire show if they didn't compromise. As far as everyone knows you're the same person you always were, and have nothing to do with Torchwood. We've said any word about your actual position in the house would mean many bad things happening. I don't think they cared at that point. I think the thought of the show being shut down by the government was enough to frighten them." Captain Jack said.

"Somebody is bound to recognise me." Sarah Jane Smith said blatantly.

"Don't worry about that we've sorted the papers and if they need someone to talk to on BBLB, one of us will go up. Gwen and Doctor Sato have been nominated for now." Captain Jack said.

"So I have to live here. What if I get evicted in the first week!" Sarah Jane Smith exclaimed. As much as she didn't like the show she still didn't want to be evicted first.

"You won't be. If need be you'll be in the final four, but you'll be in the house until we know what the disturbance is." Captain Jack said.

"That is unfair. These people came on the show hoping to win and you're fixing it." Sarah Jane Smith said, absolutely disgusted with the idea.

"Don't worry, we think we'll find out what it is in three weeks tops. Besides, you may not even be up for eviction in the first few weeks. Don't worry. Sit back, enjoy, but be vigilant." Captain Jack said.

"Thanks. Real help." Sarah Jane Smith replied. She got up and left the Diary room before Captain Jack could say anything else.


	3. Day 4

**Hello again! Sorry it has been so long since I've updated. Had a lot of things on but I am going to try and finish this story while the Big Brother website still exists so I can read up on some events. Some of this passage is taken directly from the site though it's only a small amount.**

**Enjoy and the next chapter should be up soon...I hope...**

Day 4

It was 12.30am and Sarah Jane Smith was trying to sleep, but could not because of the most annoying person she had ever met.

She felt a hatred for Big Brother at this point, because they decided to be cruel and not give anyone their suitcases when they all arrived. Instead Big Brother summoned two housemates to the Diary Room, and, unfortunately for everyone, Shahbaz and Lisa decided to take up the call, only to be told they were now leaders of a group called the Big Brotherhood and they would receive their suitcases and be immune from nominations. As the days went on, the members increased to include Pete and Lea and Richard. The whole process was upsetting everyone as they had to borrow people's things for the rest of the week. What made it even worse was Shahbaz annoying nature. She had spoken to some of the housemates and they felt the same way about him. He was attention seeking and playing up to the camera, and it looked like rifts are beginning to form in the Big Brotherhood.

She could hear Lea and Lisa raising their voices already. Most of the other housemates were in bed anyway, but she was wondering if any were listening to the argument as well. She knew that Shahbaz was not happy that Sezer got picked to be the next Brotherhood member, but that was down to chance. They had no idea which gift would hold the coveted Big Brotherhood hat, and Sezer was the one who got it.

The whole situation got her thinking about the disturbance and why she was actually here. There was nothing unusual so far, except that Shahbaz was about to make people go insane, but that was not unusual every year. She tried going over some theories with Captain Jack but there was nothing. Captain Jack said the files they had notice tiny disturbances starting around 4 years ago in this area, but they were not as massive as the one they picked up and the reason why Sarah Jane Smith was here.

"You are having more input in the gifts than I am! We are both the leaders Lisa!" Shahbaz shouted. Lisa replied that she was a bit worse for wear.

"I do not respond well to alkies." Shahbaz said in his theatric voice.

Lisa tried to keep her cool by pacing the room, occasionally flicking out her tongue at him. But after repeated taunts of "imbecile" towards her, she finally lost it. She proceeded to mock his attempts to grab attention within the House. "Camera! Camera! Oh, look at me!" she jibed.

Lea's voice was raised next.

"Why can't you have a normal conversation with anybody?" Lea screamed. It did not help that he refused to let Bonnie into the Big Brotherhood.

"Because I am not normal!" Shahbaz shouted back.

There was a group of people gathered by the door to listen to the conversation though there was no need as you could hear it plainly.

"Too right mate." Sezer said agreeing with Shahbaz that he was not normal.

Richard once again played pacifier by comforting the raging lady. He then announced he had a plan to maintain peace. "I think none of us should even talk to him or look at him or even acknowledge him. From now on he can live in this House on his own...because that's what he wants," Richard suggested.

"Just leave him be guys" Sarah Jane Smith heard Grace say.

Sarah Jane decided she would go and see Big Brother after this had settled. It seemed odd that all of a sudden this exploded. They were all talking nicely and then all of a sudden voices were raised and foul language was used. It seemed odd that it just flared up like that. Then again, it could just be Shahbaz. She'd go and see Big Brother and talk to Jack about this.

For now, she would try and get some sleep. Though she doubted she would get any.


	4. Day 5: The Studios

**Bear with me. I've been getting more information from the first week as I've got to do at leasttwo more chapters in the first week. It's all because of everything that happened in the first week but the second week should not be as much. Well, That's what I'm saying now but when it comes to actually writing it It would be propbably be a few days. **

Day 5

Captain Jack gave a mighty yawn.

In his days of being a Time Agent, he was used to doing all nighters and staying up until the early hours of the morning, and not always for his missions. He did, after all, have a social life.

However, this show was one of the most boring things he had ever seen. He did not know how the staff coped with it. Or the viewers for that matter. The whole concept baffled him. People, ordinary people with lives, sat at home and watched people sitting around doing nothing in particular. In his eyes there was nothing appealing in this show. The housemates were the most boring people he had ever encountered (except Sarah Jane Smith) and he has been forced to sit and watch this every night. He could not wait till 5 came as Gwen would take over the shift until 2 in the afternoon, and then Doctor Sato would take the shift over from Gwen until it was time for Jack to step in at 9. How he managed to get this dull shift he had no idea, but he had an inkling that if he refused to do the night shift and made one of the girls do it, he would seriously regret it.

It was currently something past three in the morning. He was too tired and too lazy to bother checking the exact time, and would have loved to fallen asleep.

_Watching this would send me to sleep_, Jack thought.

Indeed, every single housemate was in bed at the moment except one. Jack had not really bothered to learn most of their names and gave them nicknames instead, which annoyed some of the staff at Elstree Studios. There was of course, Sarah Jane Smith and he would give her a nickname eventually, just to wind her up when she left the house. There was the _'Troll'_ (a.k.a. Lisa), Bonn-eh (Jack liked the way that she could not even say her name properly. It was BonnIE not BonnEH), attention seeker (Nikki), Cocky (Sezer), Miss Plastic (Imogen), Dolly (Lea) and finally 'His kind of guy' (Richard). He had nicknames for a few of the others, and some more unpleasant than others.

The only housemate up at the moment was Shahbaz, who, in all fairness, seemed to have lost the plot.

"Is he always like that?" Jack asked one of the producers, Phil.

At the moment, Shahbaz was talking to himself and taking the food from the kitchen and was putting it outside. He was roaming the kitchen for the essential items such as bread and milk and just putting them outside by the pool in a large cardboard box.

"Let's see how long they send me to Coventry now shall we?" Shahbaz said to himself mainly. For the past few days, Shahbaz had been talking to the cameras a lot and over dramatised everything.

"Well before each housemate goes into the house, we set a number of tests for the housemates to undergo, and he proved to be quite sane and, somehow, normal." Phil told Jack.

"So you're saying out of all of these freaks, he was one of the normal people?" Jack said, and looked as if he was waiting for Phil to shout 'APRIL FOOL' in his face.

"Yes, and his family said they have never seen him behave like this." Phil replied.

"He seems to have lost the plot. The rest of them are not going to happy about this." Jack said and looked back at the monitors and noticed Shahbaz was going off to bed.

"It's the pressure from the house. We've seen people crack up before on the show." Phil said, but Jack was not entirely convinced. Somehow who was considered normal did not suddenly start talking to themselves and doing strange things.

"When?" Jack asked.

"Well there was Orlaith last year, when Science and Derek were just too much for her, and then there was that infamous fight in Series 5 you know." Phil replied and smiled, but a look from Jack stopped him.

"No I don't know." Jack said.

"You don't know? That series was one of our highest ratings ever and the fact that we had to cut the live feed for the first time ever made front page news!" Phil said, astounded that Jack did not know about the bust-up between Victor and Emma in Series 5.

"No I don't," Jack repeated, "Anything else?"

"Well, off the top of my head there's only a few I can think of. Series 4 bombed. I literally mean bombed. Nothing happened at all. Hardly any arguments until we let Lisa from South Wales in, and she only lasted a week." Phil said.

"Oh my gosh, so what you're saying is that they, God forbid, got along!" Jack said sarcastically.

Phil's face remained impassive.

"Anyway, There were a few things in Series 3. The only thing that sticks out is Adele and Jade Goody. Maybe Sandy climbing over the wall to get out might be a sign of cracking up." Phil said.

"What abut the first two series?" Jack asked.

"We were in the old studios then, before we moved down here, but I can honestly say I don't remember much cracking up there. There's was an incident with Amma in Series 2 but the only thing that stands out in Series 1 is Craig catching Nasty Nick cheating. Is this leading to something?" Phil asked, wondering why Jack wanted this information.

"Yes. Something very important." Jack replied. He'd had to have more information before he jumped to any conclusions, but his theory was that this supernatural or alien source was affecting the people in the house. It may be making them crack up or it may be something else altogether. Whatever it does, their behaviour is certainly not due to the pressure of the house.

"I need you to do something for me." Jack said to Phil.

"Me?"

"You. Anybody. I need all the information I can get about the entire 6 seasons before this one, and everything on these current housemates. I also need the layout of each house, including the first two series when you were in a different studios." Jack said quietly to Phil. Many of the staff had no idea why Jack, Gwen or any of the Torchwood team was here. They only knew that this was a government operation.

"Ok I'll get someone on it. Should I pass the information on to you, or one of your female associates?" Phil asked.

"Whoever is on duty. If it is Gwen or Doctor Sato, then tell them to come straight to me." Jack said. Phil picked up his receiver and dialled a number.

Jack looked at the monitor once more and at the moment it was currently showing a wide angle of the bedroom. He could see Sarah Jane Smith's sleeping body in one of the beds, and also Big Brotherhood hats doted about the bedroom. A thought occurred to him.

"You'll need to make Sarah Jane Smith a member." He said to Phil, who was still on the phone asking for the information Jack needed.

"Sorry?" Phil said to Jack.

"You'll need to make Sarah Jane Smith a member of the Big Brotherhood. If she does not become a member, then you will have to fix the votes in case she has the most votes to be evicted." Jack said. He knew the concept of the Big Brotherhood. Two leaders, and they choose members at Big Brother's discretion, either through choice of the current members or pot luck. He also knew that soon, there will only be a handful of people who are non-members and they will be put up for the vote.

"We can't fix the votes." Phil said.

"Then make her a member," Jack said and looked at Phil, "You really don't want the public to know that you fix your votes do you?" Jack hated using this blackmail, but it was necessary.

Phil paused.

"We'll find a way." Phil said and went back to the phone.

_Good,_ Jack thought and went back to watching the monitor, waiting for 5 a.m. to come along so he could get some sleep.


End file.
